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I thought I’d get a bit personal today.
In all honesty..I wanted to write something else. I wanted to post one of several posts I have formulating in the background–images lying around my phone or camera, posts that are half-written…you get the deal. It’s something I’ve mentioned on here quite a bit. The “was going to write a post” thing. I feel like I’m always making excuses why I’m too busy to post, or that’s how it’s felt this past year.
I’ll be honest, this past year has been riddled with difficulties, adjustments, triumphs and losses. And for someone who already suffers from anxiety or stress-related issues, this is not the best situation.
Essentially, I was all set to come home from work tonight. Sit down and crank out a few awesome posts that I’ve been cooking and share them with you–consistently. I was going to get back on track with consistent posting, dammit! I have some interviews with incredible creatives I’ve had the honor of chatting with months ago, a few DIY projects and a couple recipes. I was and am so excited just talking about them!
But then I came home and I had trouble breathing…I felt winded just sitting on the couch. I’ve also been suffering from nausea because my stomach issues started flaring last night, so much so that I barely slept. When I woke up at 2:30–so nauseous that it literally woke me up–I couldn’t even throw up (my last resort when my nausea gets so bad it interferes with my sleep) because my GERD was so bad.
This is all to say I was low on sleep, dealing with family issues, nauseous, stressed, pissed off at myself for not getting sleep and thus having to skip another workout, all the while Kero is ringing the bells at the door–trying to let me know he wanted to go play, even though he injured his paw at the park yesterday, and…all of a sudden… it hit me. I felt too exhausted to move.
This isn’t a post for you to feel bad for me, for me to make excuses or for anyone to worry about me. This is a post to be honest. I love this blog. I love the creative projects I pile upon myself, or the ones that swirl in my head. But sometimes, coupled with all the other things going on, it’s not as easy as “make time for it because you love it” or want to run a “successful blog” (whatever that means, anyway). In fact, it’s that sort of mentality that gives me anxiety…makes me feel bad that I didn’t make time for blogging because, well, all the successful bloggers make time for their blogs, why can’t I!? I mean, if I’m not making time now, I guess I’ll never be successful…right?
God, the damaging self-talk we do to ourselves, huh?
So, I guess I did end up blogging tonight. But it was later than I planned, less edited than I planned and an entirely different topic than what I planned. But it’s here, and it’s what’s really going on with me, and in my life. Not a pretty DIY. More like a messy work in progress.
Basically, no matter where you are, what you’re doing, I hope you are cozy and at peace. And if you’re not, just know that you’re not alone. We’re all just lost and stressed and happy and excited and making moves and feeling stagnant. But in the end, it will all work out. Trust that.
But P.S. If you’re ever truly alone, feel free to reach out to me via insta / snap (@midwestlovefest) / twitter or here because gurl, I get it. I’m there, and here.