For as long as I’ve been alive, I’ve been considered a weirdo.
My sisters and I always joke that we are the weirdest people we know. Something about how we were raised or something–we all understand each other’s weirdness, but put us out into society and we probably look terrifyingly odd.
For an extremely long time, I wanted to be like everyone else. Of course, everyone goes through this phase–usually around elementary or middle school–and just fly under the radar. That is exactly what I wanted. To be a fly on the wall. And for most of elementary school, I succeeded. Until, my clumsy and oddball nature took over, I grew up a little and it became harder to quite literally hide in a corner, like I had before.
Even as an adult, there have been countless times I have walked into a room, trying to blend in or look like I have my shit together, only to trip half way through my walk…or get my headphones tangled in my hair…or have coffee pour all over my pants. One time, I got lost going to an interview in a pair of brand new flats. I was walking around so much (because, naturally, I get lost everywhere I go) that the back part of my ankles got extremely cut up and started bleeding so badly that they soaked through my new shoes. I had to inconspicuously use my extra resume to mop up the blood, only when my interviewer quickly ran to the bathroom, sending up silent prayers that he wouldn’t come back and take notice.
When I’m traveling (aka people watching), I see so many women who look put together and admire them immensely. It’s funny because I’ve had this discussion with men, and they oddly find women who look 100% put together off-putting. Maybe they come off too cold or lacking in personality? But from a women’s perspective, I’ve never spoken to any lady who didn’t admire a woman who had perfectly manicured nails, trimmed hair, a flawless outfit, clean shoes, a trendy bag, and just looks like she rocks at her life. There’s just something about that that screams #GirlBoss. And, ironically, that’s the type of woman I aspire to be–a #BossBabe/#GirlBoss/#BossLady. Yet, I’m fully accepting right now that I will never be one of those flawless “I always look put together” women.
Don’t believe me? Just catch me 5 minutes into being home at the end of every day, when I’m in sweatpants and an old men’s tee that also happens to be covered in Kero’s black hair. Total Liz Lemon moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m working extra hard to be more timely. To dress like I appreciate myself and my profession, and take care of my health. I’m also *trying* to speak after my brain has processed all the ideas swimming around in it. But even when I can dot those “i’s” and cross those “t’s,” inevitably my sweater will get caught on the handle of a door, and I’ll be yanked backwards, nearly getting knocked over by a door, in front of all my peers. This is a metaphor, but let me assure you–it really happened. Multiple times.
Though I still aspire to try and look like I’m a relatively responsible human being–and, more importantly, a #BossBabe–who takes care of herself and works hard at what she does, I’m also owning the quirky flaws that make me, me. While I will always strive to be like those put-together people, I also find beauty in my own weirdness. No one is like me, just like no one is like you or like those lovely ladies. We all “own it” in different ways. And while my way is a bit more clumsy or full-frontal, it doesn’t mean I’m any lesser than those women. It’s something I’m coming to terms with as an adult: weird really is wonderful.